As the adage goes, if you want better results, ask better questions. But what are the questions that produce the best results?
Let me start with the worst question. When facing an obstacle, challenge, or undesired result, asking why often leads to shame, blame, and resentment. This does not preclude the important work of identifying the actual problem; however, asking why it’s happening is an unhelpful tactic. For example, if you are single and want to be in a loving relationship, asking, “Why am I single?” only leads to a negative rabbit hole.
From a neurocognitive perspective, here’s why: our brains love certainty, even if it’s negative. If you’re in a problem and you ask why you’re in the problem, all your brain can focus on is the problem. The focal point becomes the negative outcome with our conscious mind filling in the meaning. And you’re likely well aware that the meaning our minds make of why we are experiencing a shortcoming is full of low-brow thoughts.
So, rather than asking why, ask these two questions instead. They will require the threat-seeking part of your brain to be quiet and will challenge your conscious mind to start looking elsewhere for the answer.
The three best questions to ask yourself are:
What do I want?
What’s in the way?
What action can I take?
These questions seem simple, but they are not always easy to answer. In my work, asking people what they want results in them generating what they don’t want. Don’t fall into that trap. Truly spend the time considering what you truly want. Another pitfall in this question is wanting something for someone else, such as " I want my daughter to be happy.”
The second question highlights what might be in the way of your desire. Focussing on the obstacles might sound like complaining; however, you can’t create a plan for your wish if you don't identify the obstacle. The truth is, if there weren’t obstacles, you would have what you want already.
Taking action, even one small step changes your focus toward a positive picture. Hope follows action.
Enjoy asking these three great questions, I can’t wait to see what you create!
